Harry spit. He had an ulcer. I looked away, disgusted. Above us the ladder stretched out of sight, hooked at intervals into the crooked granite face. The ladder was really just two steel cables, and between them, every yard or so, a knotted plank, nailed into the rock. Getting Jessie up there would be murder.
Ms Kettle stood listening at the foot of the stairs. The building was a converted Georgian mansion. Its top floor housed an office and its first and second floors had been bisected into sought after apartments. As Ms Kettle waited, it gradually assumed a kind of silence.
Old buildings are never completely quiet. Wood floors shift and settle as the night grows cold. Pipes and pluming gurgle wise lead bellied secrets. Tiles flinch and rattle at the slightest clutch of breeze. But it was mostly quiet now the Cutlers were asleep.
What are you listening to this week?
Muhammad (Momo) Al Bakiri Zawerrk, Suicide bomber, Iraq
Mr Bombastic, Shaggy
This was my nickname at the camps. I got all the steps to it down. You gotta love the beats. Classic
Boom shake the room, Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff
Obvious innit? Its me job
Two tickets to Paradise, Eddie Money
That’s where I’m headed. Palm trees and blowjobs all the way.
Highway to Hell, AC/DC
Great track. Me and the lads psyche up before a blast by listening to this in the dressing room. ‘Cause its were we’re sending the infidel like.
Bootilicious, Destiny’s Child
These girls are what I’m hoping my virgins look like. Bootilicious for me babe!
Muhammad has successfully completed 17 suicide bombings and recently bettered his personal best of 121 people killed in one blast. He is currently in training for this summers Jihad Olympics. Good luck Momo!
Gerry Anderson’s latest creation takes the string puppet genre to new heights. Each of Galatica’s intricate 1/14th scale marionettes is lovingly crafted from a silicate compound, developed during the creation of the infamous Flange In A Can, adult toy. Each characters emotional performance is handled by a dedicated crew of classically trained puppeteers.
Ever tried necrophilia? You should, its a gas. I know what you’re thinking, ‘Why dig up some dead thing and fucking it? There are better lays with the living’.
Well I’ll tell you, because its great fun and bloody easy. You feel huge, really important. They can’t say or do anything against you, they’re dead, so you just pump away. You can do stuff you could never do with a livin’ - pump ‘em in the ass, the eye, right out there in public. Yeah that’s right, do it in public, right on the Formica table top in your local dinner- its incredible. Plus no one will ever mess with you again after they see you desecrating a corpse just to get off - they know you’re capable of anything.
Lots of love, Richard